My dear Jack, here’s the first question: Did your relationship improve or deteriorate during the lockdown? If your relationship improved it means you need to spend more time together. The time together did you good, made you appreciate each other more. You probably saw her in a new light, saw the effort she puts into your home. You were available to be loved, there was less stress, more time to do things together, to talk, to share. She could give, you could give. It also means your relationship is healthy. You could spend time together. The “something” is still there. The fundamentals are solid. You just need to create time for relationship.
Sometime in the future plan a trip together, away from everything and everybody, to further build on what you’ve got. And if you can’t afford the trip perhaps you need to “quarantine” yourselves at home, say spend an entire weekend at home not going out. No pressures. If you have kids send them away for the weekend, beg your mum or your aunt or sister to take them off your hands. If we’re not careful marriage soon becomes all about the kids and not about the partners. Their demands will dictate the relationship in the marriage. Sometimes you need time away from the kids so the marriage doesn’t suffer.
If your relationship deteriorated during the lockdown chances are you’ve grown apart or you’re getting irritated with each other. It probably means someone is not listening to someone and everyone is sticking to their gun. You need reset. Just as coronavirus reset the world. Your relationship must be reset as a matter of urgency, or things will keep deteriorating until everyone lives in separate worlds. If you spent the time arguing communication has broken down. Sometimes in marriage we don’t hear each other. It’s not that we’re not listening, we’re just not hearing. And neither party is shifting their position. It’s why the argument goes round and round. There’s a stubborn insistence on a stand. At the end of the day you’ll both get tired, exhaust each other. When you’re emotionally exhausted in marriage you avoid each other.
Unfortunately, you can’t avoid each other in a lockdown. And so what you’ve done is keep alternative hours, making sure you don’t even watch TV together. There’s a she schedule and a he schedule. Now, in a healthy relationship that can happen, especially if you don’t have the same taste in programming. But why it doesn’t affect healthy marriages is because there’s fundamental commitment. There’s love and devotion. In a marriage growing apart it only reinforces locked in positions. What has happened is that both of you have found ways to avoid each other. Which is why she stays in the bedroom when you’re in the sitting room, or she stays in the sitting room when you’re in the bedroom. You’re alternating current without the current.
If you want to save the relationship someone must call for a talk. It’s important to have that talk. Without that talk the dam will not be breached. Just talk. And when you have that talk be open. Neither party should stick to their position. It can’t work if it’s either my way or the highway. Marriage requires compromise. If you study successful marriages, you’ll discover there’s fundamental commitment to the success of the marriage. The parties want to stay together. They’ve staked their all. There’s no other option. Marriage requires commitment. It also requires wisdom. You preserve your marriage. The cost of RUD (rapid unscheduled disassembly) is high. It’s never too late to try and save the marriage. No matter what make the effort. Things become easier when you take self-righteousness off the table and you’re just exploring the marriage itself. Young marriages shouldn’t be disassembling. It suggests impatience and lack of devotion to the success of the marriage.
Now, the other test we must administer is to gauge the temperature of the marriage during the lockdown. And I’m not saying anything! ? Was the temperature hot, as in things were passionate, or were things tepid?
The third test is to measure the fun in the marriage. Did you have fun together? Was there laughter in your home? Was there joy? Did you make fun of each other? If there was no fun both of you take things too seriously. Learn self-deprecation. It’s what creates jokes for your children as you grow old. There’s one family I know where the father couldn’t send ordinary emails. He was used to his executive assistant doing all that for him. He was the perpetual butt of jokes in the family. The kids made fun of him. That’s what family is about!
I’m trying different shades of mask. Since I wear jeans a lot Mrs. A has got me blue and black masks. When I tried them on for the first time, I felt like Bane in The Dark Knight Rises. Have you got yours? Like Bane said, “Nobody cared who I was until I put on the mask.” Put on the mask!
We’ll talk again later. Your mentor, LA.
© Leke Alder | [email protected].
Did your relationship improve or deteriorate during the lockdown? #Letr2Jack
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Sometimes you need time away from the kids so the marriage doesn’t suffer. #Letr2Jack
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When you’re emotionally exhausted in marriage you avoid each other. #Letr2Jack
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Marriage requires compromise. #Letr2Jack
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Marriage requires commitment. It also requires wisdom. #Letr2Jack
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